Route 9
15-minute feelings-before-facts map
Identify the feeling, summarize the experience, and validate why it makes sense without agreeing on every fact.
Best for
The conflict is stuck on feelings not being acknowledged.
Skip it when
You want a factual verdict first.
One person speaks, the other listens. You swap as the route guides you.
00:00-01:00
Whoever’s speaking: Name the feeling topic in one sentence.
Whoever’s listening: Confirm: 'I will validate feelings before discussing facts.'
You’ll know the step landed when: Validation frame set.
01:00-04:00
Whoever’s speaking: Share what happened, what you felt, and what you needed.
Whoever’s listening: Listen without judgment. Look for feelings beneath facts.
You’ll know the step landed when: Feeling data gathered.
04:00-06:00
Whoever’s speaking: Rate accuracy 0-5 after the validation.
Whoever’s listening: Summarize and validate: 'It makes sense that...'
You’ll know the step landed when: Validation attempt.
06:00-07:00
Whoever’s speaking: Correct: 'The feeling is more like ____.'
Whoever’s listening: Re-validate using corrected feeling.
You’ll know the step landed when: Emotion accuracy improved.
07:00-10:00
Whoever’s speaking: Switch: listen and look for feelings.
Whoever’s listening: Share your feeling topic.
You’ll know the step landed when: Second partner shares.
10:00-12:00
Whoever’s speaking: Summarize and validate.
Whoever’s listening: Rate accuracy and correct if needed.
You’ll know the step landed when: Second validation attempt.
12:00-14:00
Whoever’s speaking: Each states one validation that landed.
Whoever’s listening: Each states one validation that landed.
You’ll know the step landed when: Learning captured.
14:00-15:00
Whoever’s speaking: Close with appreciation or connection bid.
Whoever’s listening: Close with appreciation or connection bid.
You’ll know the step landed when: Connection restored or protected.
Validation
“It makes sense that you felt ____ because ____.”
No fact agreement needed
“I may see some facts differently, and I still understand why that felt ____.”
Feeling inquiry
“What feeling is strongest right now?”
Need inquiry
“What did you need most in that moment?”
Correction
“The feeling is not anger as much as hurt.”
No fixing
“I am going to stay with you in the feeling before offering ideas.”
Validation builder: It makes sense that you felt ____ because ____.